Paralyzed ~ NaNoWriMo 2012 Novel ~

“You…you do know that I love you, right?” He asks shallowly. I turn back to him, part of the hoodie on my housecoat blocking my vision.

“Of course I do, you idiot,” I smile, grabbing his hand. He smiles back to me and squeezes my hand gently. I lean my head on his shoulder, looking at the sun slowly going down under the water, the light reflecting on the water. Nothing was alright, considering the situation, but I felt safe. And that was what counted  to me.

I was safe.

Allan suddenly turns and looks at me, something I never saw in his eyes anymore, and something that seems so familiar at the same time.

I open my mouth to ask what was wrong when he suddenly lays his right hand on my cheek. My face flushes a bright red for just one moment as I look right back into his eyes. He comes closer to my face and kisses me, ever so gently, cautiously, but especially gently.

He kisses me.

I’m not prepared for it at all. My mouth opens automatically, but I don’t even want it to. My shoulders start to tremble lightly, trying to suck in a breath. He doesn’t pull back. Instead, his hand moves down from my cheek to my shoulder, placing it gently on my back and pulling me closer, my head turning slightly because of the movements.

I start to panic at that moment. I don’t know what to do except for just standing there. My eyes avert slightly from his closed ones, and I mumble something inaudible into his mouth. He pulls back a little, “What?”

“D-d…don’t…don’t…” I whisper, feeling how my throat shut itself. “D-don’t…do…that…”

I don’t look back at his face, or even in his direction. I shut my eyes tightly and try to hold my tears back. I can’t keep them back any longer when he tries to place his hand back on my cheek, to which I pull back.

Tears start to form in the corners of my eyes as I bite my lip, trying to stay standing after I nearly trip over my own feet, trying to get away from him.

I’m trying to get away from him. I was running from him. I didn’t want to be around him anymore.
Just that one kiss. And that one kiss that was just too fast.

And I hate the fact that I realize it all at that one moment. The moment where it all goes to fast, where I can’t think clearly anymore.

The moment where panic takes over, and where  I run from it.

“E-Elina, I…” He stutters, a concerned look on his face. I bite my lip once again before taking another step back, glancing at his face with slightly teary eyes. “I…”

I know how he is at a loss for words. I know that feeling, when you aren’t able to say anything. When you can’t find the right words to even speak up. When you think there isn’t anything you can say.
I just hope that he is looking for the words to apologize, and I regret even thinking that the second later. He isn’t doing anything wrong in his eyes – at least, that’s what I think, because Allan wouldn’t do anything before closely considering the consequences.

I’m not sure if he quite saw that coming.

I open my mouth to say something, even though I don’t even know what I wanted to say either , and shut my mouth right after that. I want him to say something, anything, so I don’t have to. So that I don’t have to break the ice. Because when I break the ice, whoever stands on it falls. But he doesn’t either. It is the question if either of us can, both of us not knowing what to say.

“J-just…just leave me a-alone,” I manage to choke out before turning around and walking away from him, trying to keep my tears inside. I take a couple of deep breaths, ignoring the nearly blinding sun almost shining in my vision, as I’m able to turn my head slightly and not look at the sun directly. I know how the others are looking at me from the beach down there. I can see them, even if it means I have to turn my head towards the blinding sun. Some shout out to me, but I don’t reply, and then they talk to each other again, keeping on glancing to me.

Everything changes when he grabs my hand. I instantly turn around and smack him right across the face, leaving a red mark on his face. His eyes flash for a moment with surprise, then let go of my hand when I pull it back. I tremble lightly before turning around and walking away, trying to ignore the one who has protected me up until this moment.

And now he turns into one of my worst fears. Someone who I can’t trust anymore. And I have no idea where the feelings come from. Why I exactly think that, and more specifically, why I have those feelings to him.

It’s commonly known that Allan has a particular liking for me, and that it’s suspected I have the same feelings for him. The only problem is that I’m not quite sure what feelings I have myself, whether or not I like him back the way he likes me.

I’m positive that I don’t like him back. Not now. Not at this moment. I close my eyes for a brief moment and take a few deep breaths, trying to get my breathing back to normal again. I don’t want to find myself hyperventilating in just a few seconds, the only reason being that I could hardly breathe through my shut throat.

I swallow a couple of times and wipe my nose, sniffing slightly. I don’t hear any more footsteps behind me, so I assume that Allan let me be, which I was grateful for. And at the same time, I think I have the right to be left alone.

Because I feel like he’s the cause of this all.

Even if the actual reason would be me.

Though I can’t think of a reason why I would be the cause of this. I can’t think of any single reason that would be one of my mistakes I may have made in my past. The only reason I can think of is that I wasn’t paying close enough attention to the security guards, and that I got myself caught by them.
We aren’t anything closer than we were before. I don’t know anything more about them than I knew three months ago. Unless the others are hiding something. And with all honesty, I’m not surprised if they are hiding something from me.

After all, who wouldn’t?